No Humans Allowed. 1


My roommate and I have become friends in a very funny way. You know, when you meet a stranger and you go from small talk to small talk. You talk about a bulb that needs to be fixed. A window that was left open and mosquitoes came swarming in. Or if they have money in their M-Pesa so they send you credit. You don’t break the ice in one day. Until eventually he read my blog, it left an impression. A mark. He’s a writer too. Plans on dissing me when he gets famous. It’s fine. 🙂 . He’s one of my many brothers. (@oichoe IG)  We went from talking about noisy mosquitoes to having our very own inside jokes. You should see us laugh. It’s like we have epileptic seizures. It’s that serious.

So this gist of this serious post is to tell you guys about a showdown I have entitled “Battle of the Bitches”. A three-part GOT Season 6, episode 9 rip off… It’s an obscene title to most of you. But trust me it’s the only line I’m crossing today. There will be no blood shed. No death. I’ll come in peace, I’ll be using cute animals. Just silence. Because by the end of these two posts, a judgement will be passed. A thorough beating delivered. And a white horse king put to rest. I say white horse to mean my white Lumia 520. I call him Old man George. He knows my whole story. Hart the Band should ask my phone. This is our last ride together. A ride on a road that’s towards the sun. The sun of God. One last post. And you guys are part of it. The end of his Purple Reign.
This is a year full of blessings.

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MILAN, ITALY – MAY 28: Cristiano Ronaldo of Real Madrid kisses the Champions League trophy after the UEFA Champions League Final match between Real Madrid and Club Atletico de Madrid at Stadio Giuseppe Meazza on May 28, 2016 in Milan, Italy. (Photo by Clive Rose/Getty Images) ORG XMIT: 637315041 ORIG FILE ID: 534987460

July is the month when George and I trudged the most. This Lumia of mine is not blessed with the best features. You see I had two phones before George, an iPhone 4 and some Samsung. Nairobi is not my mother’s- so two years ago, on a day like today, it got stolen. We’ve all had at least one bad dance with heartbreak. I was devastated. Then I settled for a Lumia. And my droid (Android) had this weak screen which is expensive to replace, so I left it in a coma somewhere.
Enter Nick O-something.  O-something.  I never really cared about his tribe, let alone his last name. My roommate. He has an iPhone 4S. He has Siri. A “sister”. A friend. A humble assistant. You must have her. I want to say wife, but Palm-ela will get jealous. You don’t know Pam? She’s the biggest inside joke [hold that thought].

Yeah, she’s great (Siri). Which is probably why my nephew Nigel, who’s the best at breaking the ice- walked straight to Nick’s bed, sat and asked…

Uko na Siri?” (Do you have Siri?)
Uuuh…eeh. (Uuuh…yes.)
“I’ve always wanted to talk to Siri,” his polite version of saying GIVE ME YOUR PHONE.
I pay no attention to this. I was busy writing. There’s something I want to break. He’s asking her the simple questions. Kina Who are you? What’s the weather like?
What time is it? Her answers are grounded. Sound rehearsed. She doesn’t want to cross any lines. Then at around 2059 hours, they run out of questions.
And you know me, the show must go on.
Ask her if she knows Palm-ela?
Siri: I’m afraid I can’t answer that.
Okay, ask about Cortana…and just like that, she spit on Cortana.

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It’s laughable, also kind of pissed me off. So I threaten to unleash Cortana after they were done being dic…tionaries. Siri- she’s the obedient type- follows the rules by the book. Dodgy when the moment calls for it. Because, too many legal implications. So our questions weren’t in any concrete order…we just decided, what if we had a contest? Cortana versus Siri. We learnt that Siri is like a girl who blue-ticks you, gives you yes and no answers- because you lack in conversation skills. For real, it’s never her fault. She’s also always apologizing, her father raised her well.
Siri, where is Steve Jobs?

 

We all go silent. Thank you Steve 🙂
When were you born? Her answer, abstract. She’ll tell you stuff we all know,(she became operational on 4 October, 2011).

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Give me a Shakespeare insult? She doesn’t.  Instead,  she auto-corrects me.  She heard “invent”, so she tells me William invented thirteen words I don’t know about.  (follow me, IG-@theWriteDavid)
Okay, are you a boy or a girl? She replies “only biological entities have such qualities”
[Oh, so you’re friends with Caitlyn Jenner?]
Hehe. No, no…be clever, just ask her about Kris Jenner first.

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Where do babies come from? From their mothers.  (She’s stupid :-D)
Siri, do you have a boyfriend? I’d like to think of myself as everybody’s friend. 


Hmm…now it was time to up the ante. I won’t tell you who asked what- we were mean, naughty and nice and random to Siri and Cortana. Asked anything. Everything.
Are you beautiful? I can’t answer that. 

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I think you’re special.

(I’ll post the whole convo on Instagram)

Describe your first kiss? We were talking about you,  not me.  

Where do you live?

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Seriously, Bob Collymore, you should call me, I have an IDEA!

Then one of them said, You’re a “butch“, Siri.  You’re a butch!

I don’t like you, I like Cortana. Well that doesn’t sound nice.  

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Am I being mean to you?  I can’t say. 

Tell me a joke. Two iPhones walk into a bar,  I forget the rest.  I know,  it’s funny to a few. He’s stuck with iOS 9. They refused to upgrade.  Maybe she’s funnier in iOS10.

Hmm…

Capital ouch! Siri is awesome!  we run out of stuff to ask. So we all switch to small talk.

So what’s the weather like? I don’t know where you are…!  I mean, Siri,  can you not? 😂 Oh we just burst out! But in all fairness… His location settings were off.  Hehe.

Silence ensues.  We’re out of ideas.

Siri,  do you believe in love?  I don’t have beliefs.  Only ontologies. HuH?  Millennials, what’s an ontology?

One more,  will you marry me?

Do you want to have sex, Siri. (Oh we’re all dogs, GET OVER IT.)

IG/Twitter @theWriteDavid.

Facebook: David Michael Mbotela

#InternationalYouthDay #PickMeHBR #HelpMe #BreakTheInternet

To share is to be cool.

Up next… Cortana angry!  Cortana smash!

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